mwlogo.jpg (15469 bytes)

From the opposite end of the workbench

…the twisted ramblings of a ship modeler.

251.jpg (32076 bytes)

Mutants and Women in Thongs…


Have you ever noticed that regardless of how good a modeler you are, that there’s ALWAYS someone better? While I personally don’t have a problem with anyone who is better than me, I do take issue with those who THINK they are better, smarter, faster, prettier…well, ok, faster.

We all know these modelers, they’re in your local clubs and at shows, complaining, nit-picking and nay-saying your model, but never bringing anything of their own to back up their overdeveloped egos and matching yappers.

I have a twisted sense of satisfaction by making these bozos look like the true idiots they are… ”Rant rant babble babble…and when the Bismarck was sunk in 1942 the Germans should have…”  Hey moron, Bismarck was sunk 1941, and she wasn’t torpedoed mistakenly by a U-boat in the Indian Ocean. You‘ve spent far too much time watching JAG and re-runs of “What if Germany won the war” on the History Channel. How about going home and superglueing your face to Bob Ballard’s ‘Discovery of the Bismarck’ book?? When the osmosis is complete and you can speak fluent German, come see us.

By and large, these folks who are so engrossed with their own self-importance eventually go away, either ending up floating face down in their swimming pools, or eventually fall victim to the rabid guilt that pervades their being, because inevitably, they know they can’t compete, and they know they’re IQ is something akin to a half-eaten day old jelly donut. A few mutants however, actually build something, and this simply adds fuel to the fire…these are the ones you need to look out for…

My recommendation? When you see a mutant, you have several options…you can run, but your models can’t. It is your responsibility to defend them, after all, they are part of your very being.

The best advice is to find another a mutant and instigate an argument… I call this the ‘Sledgehammer Diplomacy Option. “Did you hear what he said about the 101st Airborne???” Your mutant will rush off to defend his opinion, hopefully leaving you alone for awhile.

I prefer the Counter-Intelligence Option, which is very effective of you have the ability to, or choose to, out-think your mutant… Mutants are typically brash and overbearing, and very opinionated. Select a topic of conversation that you know he’s weak in, and attack mercilessly. “Hey Mutant, where’s your model? I ‘m just about finished with the 1/12 scale Tamiya Williams FW-14B car, you know the one that Nigel Mansell drove? Lemme ask your opinion, what type of Kevlar pattern did the car have just behind the active suspension computer during the Monaco GP in 1992? ” Uhhhh…. And just before he’s ready to answer, whether he knows the answer or not, hit him again… “ I went to Formula One Specialties, that great shop on the ‘net, and I got the new M2 seatbelt kit, and was finally able to get the new Studio 27 McLaren MP4/5B, man…what a kit. Hey, do you know if they used the Type 1 or Type 2 rear wing at the Italian GP in ’89??” By this time, your mutant should be looking for an escape route… uhhh…listen I gotta run, I’ll talk to you later on… and off he goes, leaving you alone for the remainder of the day…and you can bet he’s probably going to leave you alone anytime you mention Formula One racing…

The simplest option is what I call the Fart Option…yes, I’ve done this, and it works… Find your target mutant…wait for the right moment, preferably when he’s babbling about the proper FS number for the interior of the air intakes on a pre-Falklands Argentine Mirage fighter. Wait until he’s actively involved…walk up, rip, and leave…or, if you’re daring, walk up, rip, and blame it on him immediately…

Mutants aren’t the only thing that really tick me off…models do too… all kinds of models…ships, armor, aircraft…anything that looks like it should be climbed into and started.  I sometimes sit and wonder as I’m building my _______________, how in the world do they do that??? Trust me…I’ve tried, and I just can’t do it.

I have a theory. This theory is very believable if you a.) hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead with a ball peen hammer, b.) think that Elvis is still alive or c.) believe that the world is still flat and you can fall off the edge if you’re not careful…

Anyway, back to the theory…have you ever seen those swimsuit models on Sports Illustrated, ya know, the perfect ones??? Well, I believe these women are the ones who build those perfect models… I figured this out because those women aren’t human, they’re aliens…so, all those planes and tanks and ships that went MIA over the years are actually REAL machines that these aliens (in thongs) miniaturized…

Excuse me for a moment while I inflict another ball peen hammer blow to my forehead….

Have you ever completed a model, only to find ONE unidentifiable part left in the box? You search the instructions, the parts list, and even the model itself, yet you find nothing…not a single reference. That really ticks me off, so I’ve decided to build a model from all those leftover parts. I think it’s going to be a sci-fi model when it’s done!!

Well, it’s getting late, and my mind has informed me that ‘Shutdown is Inevitable’. I can’t think anymore, and I’m too tired to be ticked off at anything other than myself, because I just killed 2 hours and countless brain cells, when I should have been building a model!!

Jeff Herne