From the opposite end of the workbench
the twisted ramblings of a ship modeler.
Have you ever noticed that regardless of how good a modeler you are, that theres ALWAYS someone better? While I personally dont have a problem with anyone who is better than me, I do take issue with those who THINK they are better, smarter, faster, prettier well, ok, faster.
We all know these modelers, theyre in your local clubs and at shows, complaining, nit-picking and nay-saying your model, but never bringing anything of their own to back up their overdeveloped egos and matching yappers.
I have a twisted sense of satisfaction by making these bozos look like the true idiots they are Rant rant babble babble and when the Bismarck was sunk in 1942 the Germans should have Hey moron, Bismarck was sunk 1941, and she wasnt torpedoed mistakenly by a U-boat in the Indian Ocean. Youve spent far too much time watching JAG and re-runs of What if Germany won the war on the History Channel. How about going home and superglueing your face to Bob Ballards Discovery of the Bismarck book?? When the osmosis is complete and you can speak fluent German, come see us.
By and large, these folks who are so engrossed with their own self-importance eventually go away, either ending up floating face down in their swimming pools, or eventually fall victim to the rabid guilt that pervades their being, because inevitably, they know they cant compete, and they know theyre IQ is something akin to a half-eaten day old jelly donut. A few mutants however, actually build something, and this simply adds fuel to the fire these are the ones you need to look out for
My recommendation? When you see a mutant, you have several options you can run, but your models cant. It is your responsibility to defend them, after all, they are part of your very being.
The best advice is to find another a mutant and instigate an argument I call this the Sledgehammer Diplomacy Option. Did you hear what he said about the 101st Airborne??? Your mutant will rush off to defend his opinion, hopefully leaving you alone for awhile.
I prefer the Counter-Intelligence Option, which is very effective of you have the ability to, or choose to, out-think your mutant Mutants are typically brash and overbearing, and very opinionated. Select a topic of conversation that you know hes weak in, and attack mercilessly. Hey Mutant, wheres your model? I m just about finished with the 1/12 scale Tamiya Williams FW-14B car, you know the one that Nigel Mansell drove? Lemme ask your opinion, what type of Kevlar pattern did the car have just behind the active suspension computer during the Monaco GP in 1992? Uhhhh . And just before hes ready to answer, whether he knows the answer or not, hit him again I went to Formula One Specialties, that great shop on the net, and I got the new M2 seatbelt kit, and was finally able to get the new Studio 27 McLaren MP4/5B, man what a kit. Hey, do you know if they used the Type 1 or Type 2 rear wing at the Italian GP in 89?? By this time, your mutant should be looking for an escape route uhhh listen I gotta run, Ill talk to you later on and off he goes, leaving you alone for the remainder of the day and you can bet hes probably going to leave you alone anytime you mention Formula One racing
The simplest option is what I call the Fart Option yes, Ive done this, and it works Find your target mutant wait for the right moment, preferably when hes babbling about the proper FS number for the interior of the air intakes on a pre-Falklands Argentine Mirage fighter. Wait until hes actively involved walk up, rip, and leave or, if youre daring, walk up, rip, and blame it on him immediately
Mutants arent the only thing that really tick me off models do too all kinds of models ships, armor, aircraft anything that looks like it should be climbed into and started. I sometimes sit and wonder as Im building my _______________, how in the world do they do that??? Trust me Ive tried, and I just cant do it.
I have a theory. This theory is very believable if you a.) hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead with a ball peen hammer, b.) think that Elvis is still alive or c.) believe that the world is still flat and you can fall off the edge if youre not careful
Anyway, back to the theory have you ever seen those swimsuit models on Sports Illustrated, ya know, the perfect ones??? Well, I believe these women are the ones who build those perfect models I figured this out because those women arent human, theyre aliens so, all those planes and tanks and ships that went MIA over the years are actually REAL machines that these aliens (in thongs) miniaturized
Excuse me for a moment while I inflict another ball peen hammer blow to my forehead .
Have you ever completed a model, only to find ONE unidentifiable part left in the box? You search the instructions, the parts list, and even the model itself, yet you find nothing not a single reference. That really ticks me off, so Ive decided to build a model from all those leftover parts. I think its going to be a sci-fi model when its done!!
Well, its getting late, and my mind has informed me that Shutdown is Inevitable. I cant think anymore, and Im too tired to be ticked off at anything other than myself, because I just killed 2 hours and countless brain cells, when I should have been building a model!!